


Feel a Thing (For You)

by Syn (AShadowsKiss)



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Character Study, F/M, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 09:51:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8974888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AShadowsKiss/pseuds/Syn
Summary: Sonja knows the ending of her and Even's story is approaching. She's not sure if she's ready for it, despite the state they're in now. They lived through so much in such a short period of time. He'll always be a part of her. From beginning to end, maybe she would have changed things after all.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hii! Don't worry! There is no actual suicide in this fic!  
> There are some references to death and dying. And there is a part that might be interpreted as something that could potentially have become an attempted suicide? But I didn't write it with that intention. Just tagging to make sure tbh.

They're in their last year before high school when they start dating. They're both fifteen and it's good. Even is sweet and he's kind and he's funny. He's always making her laugh and he puts her first and unlike so many of her friends they don't fight. 

Even can be a little weird sometimes but it's okay. He's always been a little weird. She could deal with it when they were just friends, so she's sure she can deal with it now they're dating. Maybe she can even calm him down.

But it's a little different now. They're closer, they share more. She's allowed to stay with him when he's in a mood these days instead of having to kiss his cheek and tell him goodbye, citing bad excuses to prevent awkwardness.

Some days he seems to be bursting at the seams, wants to do everything he can think of all at once. Like his thoughts can't stop racing and his feet can't stop running and she can't keep up. And then there are the days he can barely get out of bed. When all he does is sleep and all she can do is sit with him and run her fingers through his hair and read to him.

She doesn't understand what's happening. He doesn't ask her too. They work around it.

They decide on which high school to go to together, try to find one that fits what they both want. Elvebakken fits them both though Even puts up a weak battle for Nissen.

She feels like she's planning for their future and that he's arguing for the sake of it. Because he's scared (he is) of a life with her (he isn't). 

She doesn't ask him what he's afraid of. She just assumes it's that he doesn't really want a future with her (he does). She thinks it's because they're young and she wants forever and he doesn't know what he wants (he doesn't).

His parents make him go to a doctor not long after they start high school. They're worried about the stress he's under and how it makes him go days with barely any sleep and then he crashes and sleeps for days. 

He still doesn't talk about it.

She still doesn't push.

He doesn't tell her why, but she sees him swallowing pills.

So he's still a little odd sometimes. There are ups and downs, then it's fast and then it's slow, but it's okay. They work around it.

They're in their first year of high school when a friend introduces Even to weed. 

She's not worried, a lot of people smoke, it's okay. She sometimes smokes with him.

Even starts smoking while drinking and eventually he's acting weird again.

She doesn't ask, just tells him she doesn't like the taste of him after he's been smoking. He doesn't quit, but agrees not to smoke before meeting her.

She's not worried. She has no reason to be. Everything is good. Even is still sweet and kind and funny. He still makes her laugh no matter what, he still puts her first above all else. They still don't fight. They're good, they're happy. 

One night, while they're in their second year of high school, she gets a call. It's a friend of hers, a friend of Even's. He tells her Even's being weird again. If she could please come get him before he freaks everyone out? Even has been smoking and drinking and no, they can't call his parents.

She goes to find him. Drives to the party on her bike in the middle of the night, wearing nothing but one of Even's old sweatshirts over her pyjamas and she's shivering. She's not angry (she is).

She finds him standing on the roof of their friend's house. He's rambling about death and escaping his thoughts and walks closer to the edge. He's waving a beer bottle around while a joint hangs on his lip and he doesn't seem to notice her at all.

She's not angry. She's scared.

He tells her the next day. He's bipolar. Weed and alcohol make him feel human in the way the pills try to suppress it. Weed and alcohol also make his condition worse.

She tells him to quit.

He says he will (he doesn't).

Things change after that.

Every time she lies in bed and closes her eyes she can hear his voice. Can hear him tell her about how death is the only salvation. How it's the only place he will ever truly escape too. She hears him tell her that he doesn't want to die. He just doesn't want to be alone with his thoughts.

She falls asleep with his voice in her ears.

She dreams. Often. 

Sometimes they're memories, sometimes they're nightmares.

She can still see him standing there. On the edge. And she's so scared, she's shaking with it. Because she knows, in her dreams as she knew when it was happening, that she can't save him. He'll be shattered on the ground before she can even get to the edge. 

Her heart is thundering in her chest. Her throat closes up. Her eyes water and she reaches for him but he never sees.

She dreams that she's too late. She dreams that he falls and that she has to watch the life and light flow out of him like the blood that spilling all over the ground, over her hands. She dreams he stares at her with open and unseeing eyes and it's her fault. 

If only she'd been faster, smarter. If only she'd noticed, asked.

She wakes scrambling for her phone. 

Even always answers.

They're not the same. She can't shake the dreams.

She starts watching him more closely. She dives into books that tell her all the little things about his illness. Tries to understand what's happening to him. She researches his medication, finds way for him to come back to himself or how she can reach him when even he can't. She watches his diet, his exercise. Monitors his friends and what he's doing. She's terrified of what will happen if he's alone for even a moment. 

They grow apart. 

She can't stop controlling him. 

He can't stop resenting her for it.

The more she tells him what to do the more he rebels. The more she asks him to stop smoking the more weed she finds in his room. The more she begs him to quit drinking the more beer he drinks while staring her right in the eye.

She hates him.

He hates her.

He's still sweet and kind when he wants to be. He still has his moments where he can make her laugh so hard it feels like her insides are bursting into light. He still puts her first no matter what. She calls and he answers, she needs him and he's there. 

But they fight, all the time. Everything she says is a way to control him, everything he does makes things worse. They can't fix it.

He used to always make her laugh and now he mostly makes her cry.

It's not his fault. It's not hers either. They're both too young and dumb to know better. She wanted to be his everything. He just wanted to be able to be.

She loves him too much to let him go. She knows he needs her. She's always been able to reach him, to slow him down and lift him up. She knows he loves her too much to let her go too. She knows she needs him too. Knows that she forgets to laugh sometimes and he's always been able to make her do so.

Graduation is a relief. Even having to repeat their final year at a different school is a relief. Freedom is a relief.

She notices him pulling away. Hears in his voice the things he's not telling her when he shares stories about his day. Feels in his touch that it's not her he wants to feel. 

It's okay. They work around it.

Meeting Isak is an eye opener. She hadn't heard the name before. But she sees the way Even's eyes linger on him when he leaves. Sees how he's clutching a red snapback she's never seen before behind his back. A snapback he decides to wear the rest of the night.

More meetings follow and with Isak comes a small girl named Emma. Even looks at her like she's a nuance. Emma looks at Isak like he hung the moon. Isak mostly looks at the floor. But she sees him darting glances, looking at her with surprise and regret and staring at Even with longing. 

She knows that when Even kisses her his eyes are open and he's not seeing her. She tries not to see him either.

She tries not to be angry, tries not to be sad. It's harder than it should be. Even telling her goodbye hadn't been a surprise. They'd both wanted to end this, but they'd both been too scared.

When Even returns to her, sad and heartbroken, she does get angry. He won't allow her to go after Isak, so she wraps him up and comforts him the way she's been doing for years. They sit, they talk, she reads to him, he sleeps in her arms. They go to a party at Emma's house at Even's request and she lets him go for a bit. She hates watching him drink but she knows he wants to feel normal for a bit. Back home she tucks him in bed and tells him he's amazing just the way he is and that she loves him, she runs her fingers through his hair, she holds him close as he cries in her lap and feels them both break.

Eventually he leaves again. He kisses her hand and her cheek and her forehead and thanks her. But he has to try. She's not angry. (She's sad.)

She gives him a week. Isak needs to know what he's getting into. Not for his sake, but for Even's. She can't allow Isak to break Even's heart again. She can't allow anyone to break Even's heart. But Even refuses to tell Isak, refuses to deal with his reality so she tries to do it for him. He's never sounded so angry before.

Then she gets a call, again. In the middle of the night, again. 

It's Isak. He tells her Even's being weird, that he left for food and is currently stumbling through the streets of Oslo butt naked and what is he supposed to do? He doesn't know what to do and he's scared, could she please help?

She goes to find him, again. This time she takes a cab and wears her own clothes but she's still angry. She gets a call from the police not long after Isak calls her and they tell her Even is safe. She tells them she'll pick him up and take him home soon. 

She doesn't mean to yell at Isak the way she does. She doesn't mean half the words she's saying even as she's saying them. She's lashing out, she knows she is. She wants him to hurt. She wants him to be scared. She wants him to feel even an inkling of the fear she's felt the past few years. She leaves him crying on the street and tries to not apologize immediately.

She picks Even up from the police station and takes him home. Even isn't happy to see her. He isn't grateful that she came for him. He doesn't listen to her. He just keeps telling her he needs to reach out to Isak and she snaps. She slaps his hand away from her phone and yells at him. About all the fear that she's carried around for so long. How he should have seen this coming. That he's an asshole for putting her through this, again. At the end of it she's crying, sobbing into his chest and everything they were is lying shattered on the ground.

She can't do this any longer. He has never even asked her to try.

She stays with him that night, watches him come crashing down and disappear into himself. She tries not to sleep, knows that if she does all she'll see is him falling of that edge again. She can almost feel the blood warming her hands.

The week that follows is one of the hardest ones they've been through. He collapses in on himself and she can't reach him anymore. She tries her best but if she's honest her heart isn't in it. She doesn't know what to do with him anymore. 

The moment he disappears is the moment she gives up. In her heart she knows this isn't his end, but it feels like hers. She just doesn't know how to fix him.

It doesn't occur to her until later, after Isak has texted her to tell her Even's with him and that she doesn't have to worry, that maybe Even doesn't need to be fixed. 

She apologizes then. She tells Isak she's sorry and she promises herself that she'll be there for him. For him and Even both. She has enough experience on how to deal with Even to last her a lifetime. She'll teach him what she knows, maybe Isak will do better.

She'll apologize to Even too, later. When she's ready to meet him face to face again. When seeing him won't open wounds she never thought she'd have. When she's ready to admit her mistakes and move forward.

She was never supposed to fix him. 

She just had to accept him.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I know very little about Bipolar disorder. I looked into it a little a while ago but because the actual disorder wasn't the centre of the fic I figured it would be enough. Please let me know if I inadvertently put in something incredibly incorrect/offensive.  
> I hope you enjoyed it, feel free to come say hi to me on tumblr! [synfulwondering](http://synfulwondering.tumblr.com)


End file.
